To start things off, I want to thank those who have written these in the past. Rob’s in particular was helpful.
I’ve always wanted to be good, really good, at something. Anything. Always the competitive spirit, sports usually denied me this opportunity growing up until I signed up for track my freshman year of high school because my friends did it. And boy, was I hooked. The idea of being fast and the fact that you always can be faster by just putting in more work really drew me in. I looked up to Paul Bete that year, watched him crush track workouts and do more pushups and Russian twists than I thought possible. He runs for OSU’s real team now. My junior year I looked up to Mike Laughlin, watching him win* the indoor and outdoor state 3200 (*D2). His consistency and mental determination was remarkable. And my senior year, I looked up to Sam Janson as he won the D1 400m outdoors. 47.32s. I was fortunate enough to train with him nearly every mile in high school and watch the four year process to that one. He has talent.
And I don’t. I’ve struggled with the fact that I will never be truly fast. I wasn’t in high school and the bar for what fast means to me only gets higher the more I train. My PRs are 2:03.9, 4:45, 17:28, 28:57, and 1:23:15ish for a half. Unremarkable considering I’ve been training for nearly six years now, with over five thousand miles to my name. I absolutely can be faster; I haven’t even run a 60 mile week. Lots of 50+, some 14-16 mile runs, but nothing of the sort of higher mileage that would guarantee results. The truth is, for whatever reason I can’t go all in on training long enough for it to matter. School has done me in too many times.
I love running in the summer, and always can get into solid shape for cross but other parts of my life take over. Then winter break hits and just recently I was running the best workouts of my life and getting quite fit, but life happens. I had fallen in love with a girl I met the first day of college and long story short we broke up at the start of this semester. Fortunately, running was there still, I was in great shape, everything was going to be ok. And then it wasn’t. All my winter running felt like a big ol’ waste of time when I ran 4:50+ not once but twice. Had planned on running sub 4:30 and think it would have happened if all I had to do was run but the breakup put things in a different light for me. Getting a degree and doing well in school is just much higher of a priority in my life and for the future I want, so running gets pushed aside. Being half in on racing doesn’t bode well with my competitive side and has led to lots of disappointment. I have always been a huge fan of the professional side, and my Instagram/twitter feed is full of running. When I’m not enjoying the sport it’s rough to see and I’ve backed away from it a bit which has helped. Haven’t even been on letsrun in a while. I bought the Tracksmith No Days Off calendar with the intent to run every day this year. That ended about a week in with the first injury I’ve had in months in and then really ended when my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. For a while the thought of running just pissed me off.
That all being said, I somehow managed with some poor training recently to PR and finally break 4:50 in the mile. Going into the meet I told myself it’d likely be my last for a while because of the energy running is taking from me right now. I knew I had to run well for myself and for the first time in a while I raced like I wanted it. And I did it, breaking my curse of running between 4:50 and 5:00 a whopping TEN times. The sweet satisfaction of a PR and all the amazing valentines from all my friends on the club meant more than I wanted to admit to myself. Going forward I’m going to have to change my approach to racing, from run-fast-at-all-costs to maybe-the-real-treasure-was-the-friends-we-made-along-the-way. I struggle sometimes with self-worth and belonging and fitting in with friend groups and I have to say thank you to everyone on this team because I appreciate each and every one of you. It’s a family and I will keep on coming back because of the people first and foremost. Running will always be there for me and while my race performances may inversely correlate with how much studying I do, the sport has begun to morph into an outlet and break from everything else. I’m not able to go to runs/workouts as often as I’d like but I will definitely still be around. There’s nothing better than Walhalla Wednesday.
